Five Minute Friday: Voice

Today's Five Minute Friday assignment: Voice.


He has always had a loud voice. I can see him, in my memory, talking loudly, calling out during a game. Singing so loudly, "The earth is the Lord's",  reading to us, reading stories, the word of God.

Clapping his hands together at our wedding rehearsal, saying, "Right! the sooner we start, the sooner we'll get finished!"

He has a way with words, so eloquent, honest, cutting to chase, to the heart of the matter. His voice, written down, in his elegant handwriting, loving, assuring, communicating. His voice, encouraging, accompanied with his strong hand, squeezing your shoulder or your arm, a hard, firm, squeeze.

They found the cancer in August. He wasn't making sense of words. He couldn't talk as well as he would like. It was on the speech center of his brain. So many of us said to each other how ironic, how cruel, that of all people, HE would lose speech and language. He loves words so much.

He can barely speak now, he can not move well. But if I remember to look at him, when the conversation is buzzing around the room, if I remember he is still there, he is still inside, I see his voice is not gone, just silenced.

I said to Wade last night, as we prepared dinner, as Wade fretted about portions, "All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well." I caught his eye. He was looking right at me, and he smiled, and he winked.

Earlier I put my face next to his, and was rewarded with a kiss.

He is not silenced. He is not gone. I will wait, still for a miracle, until his voice is gone.

And even then, he will not be silenced.

Play Against The Fear

Two days ago I read a post from Lisa- Jo Baker (who I read because her posts come to my email. Could everyone please have their blogs do that? All of you who I want to read, please email it to me.)

Lisa-Jo talked about how fear of failure had her in danger of not dreaming big dreams.

Failure was my enemy and it made me afraid. 
Maybe you have a dream you’re too afraid to put on paper?
Maybe you’re so busy weighing the odds of failure that you haven’t started?

I realized there is a part of me that is still afraid to jump in, to commit to the dreams of spas and shops, and handwashing seminars and education, and moving our family around the world. It is so huge.

This fear of failure has the danger of keeping me from another big adventure that has just been offered to our family here in Vancouver. 

It's this same fear that I have fought time & again, in being afraid to love because I might get hurt, to commit to investing in one more person who might just move again.

It's this fear that was unwittingly passed down to me by my dear Mum, who never really wanted to invest in any of our houses over the years, because just when you invest... you might get transferred again, so guard your heart.

I have fought this fear. I have invested. I have had my heart so broken by investing in a home I loved, by investing people who moved far, far away, by investing in faith communities who are imperfect, by choosing to love. And I am not sorry. 

Gwen and I talked about this mystery tonight, the mystery that this willingness to love, to be broken, to be so hurt by having the ones we love go away from us - that it is worth the risk, it is in this pain we find Love with a capital L. 

Tonight I sat at dinner with Don and Gwen and Chris and Wade. Don can not move the right side of his body well any more at all. His sentences are quiet, at times they are mumbles, disjointed non-sequiters.

But his eyes. Every now and then, you could see his eyes, pick up the flow of conversation. Widen in reflection or surprise or amusement. Once he made one of his inimitable whistling-whooshing noises. And each time I hugged him, kissed him, he squeezed my hand, my arm, repeatedly, as he always has. He sat and listened to his grandchildren in Australia make noise and he smiled and smiled.

There is every reason for Don and Gwen to despair, to lose hope. They have had their moments, but tonight their home was full of peace, full of joy. They are still finding joy. Gwen sang out, while reading an email, "I have such great friends! Of all people in the world, surely I am the most blessed!" 

Before we were married we sat in their old house in Oyama, choosing songs for our wedding where their two eldest sons sang. The boys introduced us to the music of David Wilcox, and his song Show The Way, which we chose as our wedding song. I told Gwen I had been singing it to the children at night as a prayer for Don. Gwen said their son Ari had sung it for Don just last week, and tonight as we sat down to dinner, Gwen lovingly positioned Don at the table, moved the foot rests on his wheel chair, moved his feet, placed the Joie apron around him, she sang:

You say you see no hope, you say you see no reason
We should dream that the world would ever change
You're saying love is foolish to believe
'Cause there'll always be some crazy with an Army or a Knife
To wake you from your day dream, put the fear back in your life...

Look, if someone wrote a play just to glorify
What's stronger than hate, would they not arrange the stage
To look as if the hero came too late, he's almost in defeat
It's looking like the evil side will win, so on the edge
Of every seat, from the moment that the whole thing begins
It is...

Love who makes the mortar
And it's love who stacked these stones
And it's love who made the stage here
Although it looks like we're alone
In this scene set in shadows
Like the night is here to stay
There is evil cast around us
But it's love that wrote the play...
For in this darkness love can show the way

So now the stage is set. Feel your own heart beating
In your chest. This life's not over yet.
so we get up on our feet and do our best.   

We play against the Fear. We play against the reasons not to try.  

We're playing for the tears burning in the happy angel's eyes

For it's...

I will not despair. I will NOT fear failure, in life, work, home, especially in loving people. I will honour what Don & Gwen have taught me - to see this life as a grand adventure. 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:18

blue loves me

The other day Sophia told me she loved me for the first time. This was the first time that she has initiated the thought, I mean, as opposed to her saying "I love you" in response to us saying it first.
The only thing about it was that at the time she was pretending to be Blue, the puppy from the TV show Blue's Clues. Sophia often pretends that I am Joe, one guy from the show, Wade is Steve, the other guy from the show, and she is Blue. For example, when Wade went to Seattle last time she actually said "Where's Steve?" when she was asking for Wade.
So she was hugging me and she said, "I Love you, Joe, I Love you, Joe." I was so touched, but I couldn't get over the fact that this lovely moment was happening and she was calling me the name of an over-enthusiastic TV host who hangs out in front of a blue screen all day. I actually did say, "Can you say it again, and call me Mum?" So she humoured me and said, " I love you Mum." Then she said, "I love you, Joe."