cleaning up

My amazing Mum, Helen, and me at the Butchart Gardens on Mother's Day this year

My parents have a cleaning lady. They are not wealthy people, but decided at a certain point in the last few years that in light of my Mum's heavy schedule and health struggles it was an investment in sanity. My Dad is very happy to make that investment, but he likes to make digs every two weeks when they have to "Clean up for the cleaning lady." I must admit the first time I saw this ritual, I too joined him in his good-natured ribbing. You see, my Mum's house is cleaner than my house EVER is, even right before her cleaning lady comes. To be honest, I think the Lady should leave my Mum a tip.

Today though, I realized I was definitely her daughter. You see, I have friend who is coming to help me clean my house tomorrow. I reached a point last week where I realized the floor was not getting swept. Ever. The dust was not going away. I can keep up with dishes and laundry (barely) but that's about it and I need help. So I sent out an email to several friends and had 2 reply saying they would be willing to let me hire them as my cleaning babes. They have agreed to ridiculously reasonable rates (plus soap in trade)and the first is coming to clean tomorrow while we are at church. And I thought..."Boy, I sure need to tidy up." Because if I am paying her per hour, I want her to spend her time actually cleaning, not just moving all my stuff around. Which is...EXACTLY WHAT MY MUM SAYS when we tease her about cleaning up for her cleaning lady.

I also thought I should actually try and put a new bag in my vacuum. I haven't really used it much since we moved because I have all hardwood in this house, and it really has never been very good on bare floors. The last time I wanted it, I realized it had no bag in it, and I thought I didn't have any vacuum bags, so I tried to rig it with a paper bag and some duct tape. It didn't really work, so I left it, and then I found vacuum bags, and then it's taken me two months of walking past the vacuum bags and looking at them before finally breaking down today and putting one in. I dusted the thing out, and managed to get the duct tape and paper bag off and then realized: There. was. something. in. the. bag.

Apparently, before this paper bag began it's glorious vacuum bag career, it was a bag from a coffee shop, with perhaps a muffin in it. Because inside the bag were two mini packs of sugar and 4 (FOUR!) little containers of butter. At that moment I proved I am not my fastidious mother because a) not only would my mother never rig her vacuum with a paper bag, and b) if for some reason she did, she would actually have the sense to check the bag to see if it was empty, and c) in a decidly-un-Helen-y move, I opened the butter to see if I could still use it. Yeah. I couldn't.

I did however, vacuum the rug in the sun room after I had changed the bag. It was terrible, and looked so much better when I was done. Yes, I know the cleaner is coming tomorrow. I know.

some bunny is sleeping now

I just went into to Sophia's room to check on her. She fell asleep in the buggy on the way home and so I carried her upstairs first and put her on her bed. I still needed to retrieve Eleanor and all the bags too, so I left her there. Earlier today we were playing with her bunny ears and they were left on one of the pillows. She must have repositioned herself, because this is what she looks like now:

this week

It has been hot the last three days. In our bright little house (read: greenhouse made of glass) it is very hot. All the windows are open in the hopes of cooling the house, even though it's 9:00pm. And the most glorious thing just happened. There was a waft of rain. That smell that you only smell in Vancouver in the summertime. The smell of the heat rising out of the pavement as the rain hits. It makes me ache to be in Hawaii with my sister where it smells like this every time it rains. I think it is a real storm, how fabulous. Wade isn't here so I can leave the windows open a little longer than he would prefer.

How odd that I think about posting all week and it has taken a whole week to sit down to post - take photos one day, upload them another, type finally now. I just take a few minutes when I can. And this week my few minutes were also taken up with making a blog for Rachel's fiance (whoo hoo! fiance!) Tim. It's been really fun!

So here are some thoughts for the week:

Pancake


Last week I shared some of the Mum moments I was less than thrilled about. This week I had a moment when I felt like a super Mum. I was making pancakes and had a flash of something my brother and sisters and I used to do. We loved making teddy bear pancakes with chocolate chip features. Sophia was thrilled! I knew I had really scored when I went to take a photo of the pancake for this blog (thank you Audrey and Jamie for admitting you take photos of things and events just for your blogs too) and a little Soph hand snuck in for a lick just as the camera flashed. Perfect.

Raspberries



Soph is still biting Eleanor this week. (BTW, Wade calls Eleanor "Nori" - yes, like the Japanese word for seaweed. It suits.) Sigh. Today we took away TV and shows, but I think when you're 2 1/2, consequences don't connect yet. A really lovely thing is that Soph IS getting generally less rough with Ella as Eleanor responds to her more. This week Soph made Ella laugh so hard by doing raspberries at her (aka zirbts). Eleanor has a smile that looks like her face might not stretch back again afterwards. Awesome.

Ella stands


Eleanor is ridiculously strong for a 3 1/2 month old baby. She stands and stands for ages. She is absolutely HILARIOUS. When she smiles she SMILES so hard. If you are talking to someone and they are holding her and she starts smiling, you can't keep talking, you have to smile back. When she cries, she CRIES - when it's a mad cry it is like no baby I've ever heard, she is so strident and intense. She "talks" to you now, it is squeally cries and yelps - screams and shrills so loud at times it literally hurts your ears. It sounds like a pterodactyl or baby Chewbacca. And then to the other extreme she is very contented most of the time and will at times just randomly fall asleep places, which Soph never did as a babe. She has done so on the couch beside me as I have been typing this entry.



Makes me think she will be a firecracker, persistent, tenacious, ridiculous and electric and entertaining and infuriating and so, so funny and a perfect foil and compliment for Sophia. If I'm even half right I'll be thrilled.

get away from my kid!

I've never "shared" a You Tube video before, but this clip actually moved me to tears. My pastor and and dear friend Gordie, sent this link out to our congregation email list as an example of what happens when we get isolated from one another and get 'attacked'. Now, I almost didn't watch this as a) I don't really like 'animal kingdom' shows, b) I usually dislike spiritual analogy (usually cheesy) video clips and c) I don't often have 8 minutes to watch a You Tube video.

I'm so glad I did, it is one of the most amazing pieces of video footage I have seen in as long as I can remember. You can hear the surprise and awe in the voices of the people filming. The other reason I'm posting it here is (as my blog is dedicated to the adventures of motherhood) that it left me with one thought resounding through my head - with a Mama's roar - "DON"T MESS WITH MY BABY!".

So, my darling community of water buffaloes around the globe, I hope you appreciate it - sadly I can't seem to get it to work so you can watch it right here, but I hope this link will enable you to watch it here.

or you can paste:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM

in the jungle, the mighty jungle.......

7-11

After my journaling workshop with Kim McMechan, I have taken her challenge several times to just journal or have a quiet time by writing a list of "10 Beautiful Things." This past week has been a hard one and I needed to chew on it a little, so I set out to write a list of 10 hard things about the week and 10 good things. I was surprised considering how fragile I have been feeling that the lists came up to 7 hard things and 11 good ones. I thought I'd share them (with some explanation) as a snapshot of my life at the mo':

Soph's fat lip and scratched chin and her best bear, G.T.

7 Hard Things About This Week:

1. Even though my Mum cautioned me, and my friend Jenn (who's husband travels WAY more than mine) warned me 're-entry' would be hard, I took a bunch of roadie shifts for Wade this week, so even though he was home, he wasn't, and I melted down hard by Wednesday.

2. I worked my butt off to get Wade's schedule just right and then STILL messed something up, so not only did he wind up not getting to go the Bjork concert his friend was trying to take him to, he missed a shift that would have helped us out financially. I cried, and then started a huge fight with Wade. Not my finest hour all 'round.

3. Our bags are still not unpacked and our laundry is still not touched at all, and I still have not sorted Eleanor's clothes out...sigh.

4. On Wednesday when Sophia bit Eleanor on the face.

5. On Thursday when Sophia bit Eleanor on the face again and then I spanked her.

6. Going back on two things (in the last 2 weeks) I really wanted not to do: give Eleanor a soother and spank Sophia. While I don't regret either thing now, it was so hard to not to have Wade around to talk to about it at the time.

7. The first time Wade had both girls outside alone (I was having a break), Sophia fell and her face hit the pavement so hard that Wade came upstairs with both of them crying, one under each arm, blood streaming from Sophia's face all over him and her face and hands. It was the first time she's bled that much and it was all I could do stay calm.

Daddy reads to his girls. (note Soph's tongue and Eleanor's super baby neck strength)

11 Good Things About This Week:

1. Wade came home. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Thank You, dearest Jesus.

2. I surprised Wade in a HUGE way with painted ceilings and a totally cool garden make-over that my friends Pete, Jessa, Adam and Sarah helped me pull off while he was away.(They worked SO hard!) Wade just said ""Metal. Metal.", and made rock and roll signs with his hands. It was great!

3. Eleanor started laughing. It is bubbles of joy popping in the sun.

4. Leanne surprised us with the BEST care package with super cute slippers for me, a Klaver/Kooima blankie for Ella, stickers and stripy tights for Soph, amazing custom Jah Jireh iron-on and water bottle for Wade and beautiful cards for everyone. Is there anything better than a care package? I'm gonna make one for someone one of these days myself, I think. (Okay, maybe not this week.)

5. Having my friend Pam there to say, "You are not a bad parent" after I spanked Soph.

6. My new cushions, lampshade and candle holders that have all helped me embrace my stripy green furniture, which I now really love.

7. Having margaritas two nights this week. And the second time, they were made with my favourite kind of tequila. The kind someone else bought.

8. The lovely gifts Wade brought us home from Cambodia. I especially love the little purse he got that matches the dress I wore to Ange's wedding. I loved that HE was so pleased with what he got us too. (Oh yes, and the tequila was good too.)

9. When I was being silly and not doing what Soph wanted me to, after trying to distract her several times, she said, "Mum! Focus!" Yeah, that makes me laugh again just typing it. And after she fell, she said to Wade and I, "You guys..you guys, you made me all better!"

10. The voice of God, which spoke Peace to me so many times.

11. My brother, who did the same.

a conversation

We are driving to the airport to pick up Wade. On the stereo, the soothing tones of children's performer Raffi. Sophia thinks his name is Ralphie. This triggers a chain of thought that is expressed like this:

Soph: Mum, you remember Ralphie?

Me: Yeah, I like his music.

S: No, that other guy Ralphie.

M: You mean Uncle Ralph?

Uncle Ralph is a cool dude that regular readers know is our dear friend and former roomie who moved back to the U.K. several months ago. He is a lovely man who sometimes looks like this:



But he usually looks more like this:



S: Yeah, Ralph. You remember he sleeped in my big bed?

M: Yeah, that's right, he used to live in your room. Did you know he's getting married?

S: (excited) HE IS?

M: Yeah, to Auntie Audrey.

Soph knows who Audrey is because not only is she a fabulous Auntie, but we named one of Soph's favourite dolls after Audrey after Audge moved to Japan. She is usually naked. (The doll, not Audrey) here is Soph with Baby Audrey:




The other reason Sophia may have been surprised about Uncle getting married is that while Audge and Ralph lived with us, everyone else except Ralph admitted they were a couple. Audrey spent a lot of time looking at Ralph with a bit of a mix of adoration and exasperation - like this:



Me: Would you like to try and go to their wedding? We would go on an airplane.

Soph: Oh yes! I will dance.

M: That would be lovely!

S: And I will wear my fairy wings...



S: and I WILL BE NAKED!

M: (laughing) Oh, I think maybe you should wear a dress.

S: Okay, I will wear a dress. Will Uncle Ben take us there on his airplane?

At this point I quietly burst into tears in the drivers seat at the fact that a) she still remembers Uncle Ben, b) that she knows he flies airplanes, and c) that we and Ben would love nothing more than this very thing.

M: Oh, I think Uncle Ben would love to drive us to the wedding, but he is far far away.

S: He would say to everyone (assumes deep voice) "Hey everybody, get on my airplane." (We are approaching the airport and Soph sees a plane.) Oh! Can we take that plane to the wedding?

M: I don't know, maybe we will take that plane to the wedding.

S: Or may be that plane?

M: Maybe!

Since this conversation, Audge and Ralph have asked if Sophia will be a flower girl for them. She said "Hmmm. Maybe later." (She was watching Dora at the time.) We've discovered we have enough points for Wade and I to get there and we're so excited! (P.S. If you are an American resident, you can apply for Alaska Airlines credit card and if they approve you, they give you enough miles for a flight - check it out!)



We couldn't be happier for you Ralph and Audge, we love you so much!

good times

We're home! It's so good to be back home and to have Wade here too. It was excellent in Victoria, I don't think I would have made it through the three weeks Wade was gone without my parents' support during the home stretch.



My Dad, a.k.a. SuperBob, with Eleanor



Sophia giving me my Mother's Day cards that my Mum helped her write.
Sophia's said "I hope you are having fun on Mother's Day. Hugs and Kisses" Eleanor's card said (according to Sophia) I wish I could talk. I would say I love my Mama and Daddy."




On Mother's day my Dad took us all (kids, Matt, Mum and I) to the famous Butchart Gardens. Dad said I should just say it's his back garden.

cruisin'

So guess who got a sweet silver PT Cruiser at the rental car place for the price of her boring old Corolla rate because i was nice and because it was Mother's Day?
If you guessed me, you're right! Whoot!!!!

The girls and I are off to Victoria tomorrow to spend the last week of Wade's trip with my parents...so if you spot 3 babes with their shades on cruisin' to an island in the Pacific, that would be the Pallister women!

why i like to blog

Thanks to those of you who have been praying and thinking of us, the last two days there were far less temper tantrums - none yesterday, actually.

I have been thinking about why I like to blog. There is aspect of community - like the above, when I am having trouble, I know someone knows about it, without the energy of thinking, "Who should I call to tell this to?" With my life right now, most times that's too tiring and just telling the blog means anyone who cares to know, will know. Sometimes I want to tell everyone some great, cute, smart thing one of my kids did, but would feel obnoxious telling everyone face-to-face, so I tell it on the blog and anyone who cares to know, will know. And sometimes, like when Andrea died, I just want to tell someone and I really don't care who, and I tell the blog, and anyone who cares to know, will know.

I also like to tell stories, and always have. I was reading in the little book I got from the journaling workshop I went to, and the author says this abut her own discovery: "Sometimes we walk through our messes and we can't necessarily explain them away. That is why, in time, it is important for us to turn our lives into story." Now, because I know that you are listening, I think often, when something happens that I enjoy, or - even more - when something happens that is so hard or silly or frustrating or ridiculous, I seem to be afforded more grace, or patience, or perspective on the situation because I think "I want to post about this" and I want the story to be a good one, and my actions are improved by your potential audience. I find the beauty in the mess, and that is a gift to me - and I hope, as well, to you.

Blue

Before Wade left for Cambodia, I took Sophia into her room and explained to her that in Cambodia there were lots of kids who didn't have nice houses like we do, and they have no toys or books. I asked Sophia to choose out some toys and books that Daddy could take with him to give to kids in Cambodia. I wondered if she would say no, but right away she started choosing a few small books. I took out her basket of stuffies and made a pile of small ones, thinking she would choose some she didn't play with often. Soph chose a little penguin that my Auntie Gill and Uncle Paul gave her (my Auntie loves penguins).

Then Soph chose Blue. You know, Blue, from 'Blue's Clues'...Soph's first big obsession. I said, "You want to send Blue to Cambodia?" not sure she understood what I was asking of her. She gave Blue a huge Soph hug and said "This is the best doll I never ever had!". I called Wade in and said, "Look what Sophia chose to give to kids in Cambodia." Wade and I were both tearing up and he said again to her, "You want me to take Blue to Cambodia?" and Soph just looked at Blue, gave her a big smile, kissed her passionately on the nose and left the room, leaving Wade and I in a puddle.

Today Wade wrote us to tell us where Blue is.
"Dear Sophia, Today my friends and I went to a hospital to visit sick people, give them food, and to pray that Jesus would heal them and make them all better. I gave Blue away to a little girl who was with her mommy. She was very sick and very sad. I prayed that Jesus would heal her and that she would like playing with your Blue. Then I gave your little penguin away to a little girl who was sleeping. She had really sore owies all over her bum. Please pray that Jesus will heal her."

Phil, who is with Wade, wrote more on his blog about the little girl with the 'owies on her bum' who now has Auntie Gill's penguin. It is heartbreaking. She's 2 1/2, just like Soph. I called Soph over just a minute ago to read the message from Wade. She thought it was pretty good, but she wants to watch TV. Why is my little girl here in Canada, sitting in a sun beam, watching Dora the Explorer, and that little girl is in a burn ward in Cambodia? We are blessed beyond expression, and my heart aches for that Cambodian mother who sits beside her daughter.

Wade said in his message to me, "The hospital conditions were miserable and the whole experience just made me want to to fair trade soap and build a school and a medical clinic even more. Everyone's suffering in that hospital today could all be solved with just a little bit of money. It wouldn't even take that much. It was really sad."

I miss him so much, and I'm so glad he is there.

tubby time

I feel like there is so much to say...I'll try to be concise - not a strong point for me.

I went to a journaling workshop last night with Kim McMechan (remember when we went up to her in the bar and told her we loved her, Heather? She totally remembered!) It was an amazing time and it was really what I needed. God spoke to me in a huge way and it really woke up a lot in me.

Soph has been wearing no diapers during the day for the last 2 days. She has also begun having temper tantrums...like the week after Eleanor was born, I think the change in things with Wade being away is definitely what's up. I just need wisdom to know what to do - a different thing seems to work each time but it's like i have to go through all the other things first to discover what the right thing is. (Sigh) Please pray for her. Of course, there are fabulous things each day too. It was sad today she came home from Sunday school and told me a girl had lipgloss and shared with 4 other kids and not her. It was SO sad. Is it wrong for me to go hunt the girl down and buy Sophia ice cream in front of her and not share?

Eleanor has held a rattle a couple of times and tonight she swung at and hit a rattle hanging over her head. It is amazing. She is growing up at light speed. Literally, I mean it...I feel bad for Wade that he's missing the first rattle hits.

I was so tired today I fell asleep in church. My church is so great, I really felt like I was going there for a break. Everyone takes good care of us there. My brother helped me out a tonne today which was great. When I was bathing Soph tonight he came and put Eleanor in the tub. It was awesome.

grace

Last night we had the worst night's sleep I can remember having in ages. The girls took turns waking up. Sophia woke up around 4 am and never went back to sleep. Yep, you read that right. Wade usually snuggles her if she wakes up at night and I was trying to do that and Eleanor woke up too and we never really recovered.

I had a meeting I needed to attend and by 6 am I was freaking out, but I had revelation. I was kind of panicking because we were all so sick and tired and I was just thinking, "oh no, oh no, this will be awful." And then it struck me that God could actually help me through the day. Took that option. So I took good care of myself, made sure I showered and ate well at breakfast. Picked my battles with Soph. She was kind of a mess but I took it slow.

Now, I forgot all her snacks I had packed and she never ate breakfast, but I got us all to YWAM (where they were getting taken care of during the meeting) and Karen found leftover miniwheats in the cupboard for Sophia. The meeting I attended was an adventure and I was pleased to be a part of it. When I got back they were both asleep. I decided grocery shopping was ridiculous, opted for a yummy burrito and handmade chips on a bench in the park next to all the bocce ball playing Italian grandpas. Soph swung on a 'big girl swing' and was triumphant. (I ask her at bedtime every day what her favourite thing of each day was and that was today's.)

Now, when we got home, Soph pulled Eleanor off the couch by her feet on to the floor and Ella skinned her head on the mat. I tried to have a rest so I put Soph in her bed and she pooped in her diaper and then she put her hands in it and rubbed them all together and finger painted her blanket with it. Yep, you read that right too - can you believe it? I couldn't talk for a second I was so mad. She was so hysterically tired by 4:30 pm that i fed her at 5 and cracked a beer for myself at the same time. Cleanup was turning into full body temper tantrum, so I just skipped it. At bath time she said "Do you want to get in the bath with me?" and I said "Yes!" just to have a fun moment. I taught her how to get the squirty animals to spit water.

She was asleep by 6:45 PM and may wake up at 5 am but I don't care. Even though I lost it a couple of times today, I recovered really fast and it is a lovely, lovely evening and I don't feel shattered. The grace of God was ALL OVER ME today. Thank you Jesus. I really hope we sleep tonight.

Dear Dad Pt. II

Dear Dad,
If my big sister can have a post, so can I. Today I held a rattle - I held on for about 5 minutes! I got cuter. Don't I look sweet in my outfit from Auntie Zippy and Uncle Super Dave? I miss your scratchy kisses. Love the Norinator

Dear Dad

This note says:
"Dear Dad. Thank you for the glasses. Love from Cambodia. Love from Sophia."

parties, fire and planes

Wade left for Cambodia Sunday night. We're doing well, feeling really supported. We've also been laying really low, which is good. Sophia said some hilarious stuff today.

At one point I asked her for some cooperation and she said, "Celebration." I said, "Where did you learn that word?" she told me (I forget, a book or show, I think) and I said, "Do you know what it means?" and she answered, "yeah, it's like parties." I really need to make sure I watch what I say - the kid doesn't miss a trick.

Then she was pretending to go the store and had a long piece of paper that was her list. I asked "What are you buying at the store?" She answered with her list - "Mushrooms, salad mix, cake, icing, candles, fire." (apparently she was making a birthday cake - and perhaps a salad?)

When we were out walking tonight Sophia saw a plane in the sky. Over the last two days when she's heard a plane she's said, "I hear my Dad's plane." So when she saw the plane she yelled "There's my Dad's plane! There's my Dad's plane!" The she yelled "Hi Dad! Hi Dad!" I said "We love you, we miss you!" and she repeated the same. When the plane had passed, she gave a huge sigh and said, "I'm so glad I saw my Dad."

tricycle

Hmmm...I feel a bit goofy about the level of emotion I expressed yesterday about my furniture. Everything else I still stand by, and writing all that out was helpful - especially expressing what I felt about Andrea; but the furniture is growing on me. I think I need to just change a lamp shade and add a few cushions... you could probably tell that it wasn't the furniture that was the problem. Guilty of BWE (blogging while emotional).

After I posted, had a good cry, Matt and Wade got up and talked to me, and the sun was shining, and Soph said, "I really love this new couch, Mum!" and the guys both looked at me and we all smiled at my freakiness and Soph's loveliness.

Soph woke up from her nap yesterday and said, "Mum, I want a bicycle." It seemed a little out of left field, but I said, "You do have a bicycle, a tricycle actually. We put it away over the winter but I could get it out for you, I bet you could ride it now." She did a long pause and said, "No, Mum, for licking, with a stick."
The light goes on. "OH! You want a Popsicle!" Yeah! Dora purple Popsicles Papa bought us all 'round.

What was cool was that we had remembered the trike and went outside in the sun later and even though it was hard at first, she learned how to work the pedals and we are all triumphant.

Wade is pretty sad about leaving us today, as am I. I think I would fall apart if I was going away from the girls for 3 weeks. So glad Matt is staying with us. I am thinking of how soldier's wives feel when they send their husbands off to war. I would way rather send my husband on a missions trip, especially with one of his best friends to his favourite continent. We'll be fine.

Could someone email me tomorrow and tell me we'll be fine? Thanks.

sad

It's been a really full week. We've been trying to get a lot done this week, especially in soapland before Wade goes away tomorrow. TOMORROW. For three weeks. I couldn't be happier for him. He is off to Cambodia with his buddy Phil to lead a missions team for 3 weeks. 3 WEEKS. When I prayed about whether or not he should go, I felt like God said it would give Wade life and joy, and that he would bring something to the team that they needed. It's only today I never waited to hear what God had to say about me. I feel like my stomach is in my feet. Three weeks. crap.


This week we gave Sophia her first vaccinations. Those of you who know me know this was a MAJOR decision for us, and she did great and it was really really horrendously terrible to hold her down while she screamed and cried and panicked all through it. IMMEDIATELY afterward she was fine. I am still recovering and still wondering if I made the right decision. She's been pissy for three days.

My neck and shoulders really hurt.

I got new furniture. I have been hoping for a new couch. I got a new couch and chair for free from craig's list. I was so, so, so excited about i couldn't believe the lady chose us. It was a huge bright spot in an intense week. I told strangers about it. I have spent a really, really long time choosing the colour of my living room walls and throw pillows and decorations in my living room and then it got here last night and apparently my computer monitor is colour calibrated wrong. The furniture doesn't match. It really, really doesn't match. It is not tan striped, or even khaki-ish striped, but kelly green, minty green striped. it matches nothing. what could i say? when the guys (4 of them) and vans and everything were taking my old, ratty, matching furniture away I wanted to stop them, but I couldn't. I woke up this morning feeling like crying and puking about it. It is lovely, comfortable, free furniture that I hate that makes everything I worked so hard for in my living room look awful.

And my friend died. My friend Andrea who I adored. She was one of my best friends in college. She made me a tampax mobile for my 19th birthday. She made me laugh harder than most. When I left my ex, she had left me a key to her house in case i needed to go. I went and there was a note and a safe place and her comfy bed and her Annie Lennox and Harry Belafonte CDs. I found a children's book she gave me the other day when I was reading to Sophia she had inscribed to me telling me how amazing I was.

After I came back from YWAM she stopped returning my calls. She obviously wanted distance and I think in my new found enthusiasm about loving Jesus I was insensitive to her - and it could have just been her stuff too, but I just felt like it was me.
I grieved that friendship a lot. It messed me up a bit. I missed her and prayed and prayed and prayed it would be restored. When I met Leanne Klaver the way we could be goofy together reminded me of Andrea and healed something in me. Last year I 'googled' her name and found a website made by Andrea's friends. She had a rare form of cancer. I emailed and we wrote twice. We made a peace of sorts. She addressed the letter to JHP. That said more than I know how to express right now.
I saw a friend of hers right before Eleanor was born and she said Andrea was in bad shape. I went home and cried and cried and grieved again. I didn't want to know what was happening...it was too hard - and with Eleanor being born and all the transition, I was able to tell myself I had enough on my emotional plate. But two days ago I was doing the dishes and suddenly thought, "I want to know what's happening."
I looked at her website to find out she died 5 days after Eleanor was born. I missed the memorial. I wish I had sucked it up enough to look earlier. I wish I has gone to the memorial. I wish she had met Sophia. I wish I could be with people today who could tell me about the last 6 or 7 years of her life. I wish I could show them the pictures of her at my wedding. I wish I could tell someone who knew her how she once bought Wade and I all 5 "far side" books all at once, or how noone could sing through the whole "James Taylor Live" album like her when you were drinking tequila - except me. I wish I could know if she ever mentioned me.

I wish my furniture matched.

dedication pics

If you'd like to see more photos, send me an email or leave a comment and I'll get you a link to an online gallery. Enjoy! We had a lovely time. Thanks Sandra!

bella

Ella Bella indeed.

dedication

"She was God's all along, but today we had a service to declare that we agree to the terms."

Yesterday we had a dedication for Eleanor. It was perfect. Jennifer, Angela and Moaike arranged it all. It was gorgeous, gorgeous... decorated, planned, executed to perfection. But no one can say it better than Moaike anyway, so please read her entry, "dedication".